Client Reflections

All words are symbolic representations of our internal worlds, including our pain. For those on the healing journey through primal, their poems are markers of where they are up to in their process.

When people are going through primal therapy some of them want to express their pain to others either directly by speaking or writing or more symbolically through the medium of poetry.

Words and writing in any form never replace the feeling work that must be done to heal, but it does give people other ways of expressing their pain at different times. Writing a poem (as with art) can sometimes help a person cope with rising pain in between their feeling sessions; instead of acting out in other self-destructive ways.

For some, the writing of poetry is a reflection of their symbolised pain but for others who never write poetry, it symbolises the creativity that is being released from the child part of them as it heals. It’s a sign of healing, wholeness and integration that is occurring and the freedom and confidence to express themselves in different ways.

The people who have contributed these poems are at different stages in the process. One of them has healed her childhood pain but continues to use primal as a life-long tool for living.

This means going into feelings for an hour or so every couple of months (or as needed) when the feelings are too much to process standing up.

LANGUAGE WARNING
This page may contain strong or potentially offensive language, violent content, sexual content and substance abuse themes.

Just Being Is Dangerous

“I feel that for me just “being” is dangerous not just my actions. Even my thoughts are open to rejection and fear.

I have a constant connection of being overtaken by a feeling of total engulfment.

Of becoming a very small ball of jelly-like mass and exploding into a state of uncontrollable anger, fear, hurt, pain, rejection and resentment.

I feel like I am getting closer to tipping over the edge; the edge of feelings.

Today I Tried To Fight

“Today I tried to fight my way out of the birth canal, but I was firmly stuck. I felt my mother clinging to me and wouldn’t let me go. My whole body was a mass of pain. I was tired and I wanted to die because death would release me from the excruciating pain I felt during my birth. I felt I was drowning, but the need to fight for my life was stronger than the wish to give in and die. I punched the padding on the wall with my fists and pushed my head against the cushions in an effort to “break out”. I screamed and cried in anger, fear and frustration.

I then seemed to move on to the feelings I experienced immediately post-birth. The physical pain throughout my whole body was still very intense. I was angry at being abandoned at this crucial time when I needed lots of hugs and cuddling to relieve the trauma of my birth. I couldn’t ask for the help I needed. I didn’t have the words.

I was stuck and helpless, which is exactly how I’ve been feeling about my life in the present for weeks now, ie “stuck in a rut”, and waiting to be “rescued”. At times, suicidal feelings have been a very real issue. Chronic pain, particularly in my back, and extreme fatigue have prevented me from taking the initiative to “save” myself and find work.

As I work through the feelings associated with my birth trauma I find that the feelings of suicide are gradually receding and I am taking little steps towards finding a job.”

My Struggle Was Huge

My struggle was huge. I was born premature 9 weeks early and I was an identical twin. In the womb, there was a sense of viciousness and hate – continuous torment like I was not supposed to be here. Our mother tried to abort us with a knitting needle. I was very close to death and too weak to suck so I was fed by an eye dropper.

My twin was born double my size. Staying in the hospital for 3 months and being separated from my twin and mother compounded my huge feelings of torment and abandonment. I felt unloved and hopeless. In my first session, the therapist suggested I was dying in the womb; I felt like someone had acknowledged my pain for the very first time.

I was sexually abused at the age of 8. I never ever felt safe. It was like the whole world could do anything they liked with me and I was like the powerless foetus that could not stop the knitting needle jabbing me to a near death state. I was too weak, too powerless to do anything and I could not prove what happened.

I became quite ill two years into my therapy; my whole body was shutting down. I knew I did not die at birth and knew I would not now but the doctors thought otherwise. I just kept feeling the pain and desolation of not being wanted.

It is after many years that I have my own power, my very own words and I know I have healed my very fragile, sick body.

Real Feelings (As I Am)

An ugly thought not with respect
No understanding of why
Is this all right, is this ok I never really know.

I fear the thoughts of a wrong seen done, A disapproving glare. That feeling of

Uh-Oh here’s trouble, what can I do?
Maybe if I keep quite still it won’t happen.

I feel a fear like an unseen hurt,

It lives within my body and soul.
Its silent, dark it pulls me back but I want To throw it away with strength and anger
Lash out and be free with no regrets..

I want to write and say things but a fear is always near
“What if it upsets someone?” I feel it in my head
A band around my head and a punch right in my gut
They will see what I’m like and what I really think.
“Fuckem to hell” when they truly know will I be free.

I need to get out of my head with “fuck off”
I hate this crap and I want to feel
Just let it go and take over in fear and quivering rage
Drop into the true anger and not care who is around
Go into the mind-bending fear of saying “fuck off”

Busting through the fear with heartfelt rage.
“Fuck allyou’s cunts.

Feelings of Life

Dizzy spin this out-strained world
The dark sense comes and goes
Can’t grasp no more where I am gone
Bleak feelings I’ve not chose.

Scared to move and will to hide
Can’t bear to feel reject
An overwhelming fear of fail
My life nothing but neglect.

Can’t stand to think I’ve been caught out
Been seen to do a wrong
My need to feel approved-n-right
My hunger ‘o’ so strong.

I feel tied up and life restrained
Too scared to speak and flow
Like a statue stiff with stony strength
I just can’t live? let go.

I want to scream and rage and yell
I want to cry and shiver
I want to greet the fear inside
And let the monster quiver.

I need to feel I’ve not been loved

The hurt and fear within,

And face the true reality
That I’m never going to win.