Real Feelings (As I Am)
An ugly thought not with respect
No understanding of why
Is this all right, is this ok I never really know
I fear the thoughts of a wrong seen done
A disapproving glare
That feeling of Uh-Oh here's trouble, what can I do
Maybe if I keep quite still it won't happen
I feel a fear like an unseen hurt
It lives within my body and soul
Its silent, dark it pulls me back but I,
Want to throw it away with strength and anger
Lash out and be free with no regrets
I want to write and say things but a fear is always near
"What if it upsets someone?" I feel it in my head
Like a band around my head and a punch right in my gut
They will see what I'm really like and what I really think.
"Fuck em to hell" only when they truly know will I be free
I need to get out of my head with "fuck off"
I hate this crap and I want to feel
Just let it go and take over in fear and quivering rage
Drop into the true anger and not care who is around
Go into the mind-bending fear of saying "fuck off"
Busting through the fear with heart felt rage.
"Fuck all you's cunts."
"I feel that for me just "being" is dangerous not just my actions. Even my thoughts are open to rejection and fear.
I have a constant connection of being overtaken by a feeling of total engulfment. Of becoming a very small ball of jelly-like mass and exploding into a state of uncontrollable anger, fear, hurt, pain, rejection and resentment. I feel like I am getting closer to tipping over the edge; the edge of feelings."
At the centre was the prick of a finger,
not the wicked fairy's curse;
along the neck of the maelstrom lay a line of poison
that flowed out from the spindle's wound.
Thus the Prince's path is found not in the forest
but in the deep gut of a hapless worm
where the poison's pain
sleeps out its endless sentence.
Aurora wakes not to a kiss, alas!
but to the blast of dragon flame.
(This poem emerged from the experience of pricking my finger on the chair, and registering anger. This allowed me to realize that anger results from being hurt! I immediately took a pen and wrote this poem in one go without stopping. I had no idea what it meant, and it was a full two years later before I understood what I had depicted in the poem. My therapist did not interpret it for me, but allowed me to come to the understanding when I was ready.)
"Today I tried to fight my way out of the birth canal, but I was firmly stuck. I felt my mother clinging to me and wouldn't let me go. My whole body was a mass of pain. I was tired and I wanted to die because death would release me from the excruciating pain I felt during my birth. I felt I was drowning, but the need to fight for my life was stronger than the wish to give in and die. I punched the padding on the wall with my fists and pushed my head against the cushions in an effort to "break out". I screamed and cried in anger, fear and frustration.
I then seemed to move on to the feelings I experienced immediately post-birth. The physical pain throughout my whole body was still very intense. I was angry at being abandoned at this crucial time when I needed lots of hugs and cuddling to relieve the trauma of my birth. I couldn't ask for the help I needed. I didn't have the words.
I was stuck and helpless, which is exactly how I've been feeling about my life in the present for weeks now, ie "stuck in a rut", and waiting to be "rescued". At times, suicidal feelings have been a very real issue. Chronic pain, particularly in my back, and extreme fatigue have prevented me from taking the initiative to "save" myself and find work.
As I work through the feelings associated with my birth trauma I find that the feelings of suicide are gradually receding and I am taking little steps towards finding a job."
Feelings of Life
Dizzy spin this out-strained world
The dark sense comes and goes
Can't grasp no more where I am gone
Bleak feelings I've not chose.
Scared to move and will to hide
Can't bear to feel reject
An overwhelming fear of fail
My life nothing but neglect.
Can't stand to think I've been caught out
Been seen to do a wrong
My need to feel approved-n-right
My hunger 'o' so strong.
I feel tied up and life restrained
To scared to speak and flow
Like a statue stiff with stony strength
I just can't live ? let go.
I need to feel I've not been loved
I want to scream and rage and yell
I want to cry and shiver
I want to greet the fear inside
And let the monster quiver.
The hurt and fear within
And face the true reality
That I'm never goin to win
My struggle was huge. I was born premature 9 weeks early and I was an identical twin. In the womb there was a sense of viciousness and hate - continuous torment like I was not supposed to be here. Our mother tried to abort us with a knitting needle. I was very close to death and too weak to suck so I was fed by an eye dropper.
My twin was born double my size. Staying in the hospital for 3 months and being separated from my twin and mother compounded my huge feelings of torment and abandonment. I felt unloved and hopeless. I my first session the therapist suggested I was dying in the womb; I felt like someone had acknowledged my pain for the very first time.
I was sexually abused at the age of 8. I never ever felt safe. It was like the whole world could do anything they liked with me and I was like the powerless foetus that could not stop the knitting needle jabbing me to a near death state. I was too weak, too powerless to do anything and I could not prove what happened.
I became quite ill two years into my therapy; my whole body was shutting down. I knew I did not die at birth and knew I would not now but the doctors thought otherwise. I just kept feeling the pain and desolation of not being wanted.
It is after many years that I have my own power, my very own words and I know I have healed my very fragile, sick body.
Website updated May 2011